2018 Conference road trip report #1: A Major Rule Change, The Softball Mafia & Standing too close to the live feed

2018 USSSA CONFERENCE ROAD TRIP REPORT PART ONE: A MAJOR RULE CHANGE, THE SOFTBALL MAFIA & STANDING TOO CLOSE TO THE LIVE FEED

By Stephen Lorque Cooper

Vivid/Easton #12

USSSA RULE CHANGE – I am lobbying for a new USSSA Conference rule to be instituted next season. This rule will require that all players have printed in small text on the back of their jerseys: who they have played for, in what year, how many rings they have, how much money they made each season, their batting average, their home run total, their REAL position instead of the position they tell everybody they play in the off season so they can get on a specific team. How many errors they made, their ideal playing weight, how many times they no-showed and how many solo home runs they’ve hit. This way I won’t have to hear players talk, brag, exaggerate, swear or lie about these things anymore. Instead I can just say, “Hey, you, turn around. Let me see the back of your jersey.” 

HOUSTON-There are a lot of great ball players out there. They work on sculpting their bodies. Their hitting. Their tan. Their tattoos. Then their bodies some more. They think their game is as flawless as their body-hair removal treatment. How demoralizing it must be for them when they hear their name and game get ripped apart by our obliterated-smashed-out-drunk head coach who is accidentally standing too close to the internet live feed spouting out his dossiers on every player across the country.

FLORIDA-I spent Saturday night doing the same thing most every other half African-American and half Caucasian male does. My bi-racial needs battled it out as I calculated softball stats with a nice bottle of red wine while listening to Waylon Jennings on my Bose speaker. But the white half could not keep the man down as an NBA playoffs triple-header played on in the background. And then….then I went to Waffle House. Dined on some fried food and topped it all off with a chocolate chip waffle. Wasn’t sure who won this battle of the races. Perhaps you readers can settle this one for me? 

BACK HOME-I awakened Monday morning to a group text that included me, our head coach and our sponsor. Our head coach was furious because our sponsor had stopped by the dollar store and bought one of those party balloons but instead used the helium to once again pump-up his batting average from the mid-300’s all the way up to .608. On and on this profanity laced text scrolled back and forth. It was mean. It was hateful. It would have made a great episode of Jerry Springer. With me in the middle, holding the TRUE batting average. And Jerry says, “It’s .372 folks!” Our head coach leaps with excitement, “I tole yall! I tole yall tha boy was lying! Now! Now whatcha’ got to say now? Huh? Dat’s what I thought fool! Dat’s what I thought!” Chaos ensues. High fives all around. Sponsor covers his face in shame. I sit there, calmly sipping from a Solo cup filled with a nice cabernet.

EULESS-Our skipper seems to have a healthy penchant for the alcoholic beverage. He usually gets loose with as many beers as $20 can buy. Then he goes bottoms up on no less than 5 shots of Fireball before chasing it all down with as many vodka and Red Bulls as he can sneak onto other people’s bar tabs. He does all of this on a skipped-lunch empty stomach. Now I see him ask for a bite of pizza from an opposing team’s table. A bite of a giant pretzel from another and half a Twix bar from yet another. But alas, he really only borrowed those tasty morsels as they end up vomited all over the new guy’s rental car door just a few hours later. But that’s okay, like Charles Manson once said, “Nobody’s perfect!”

CHICAGO-The newest member of our team is an all-everything utility-type player. The guy can literally play any position on the field including pitcher but what is most impressive is his lightening speed when it comes to finding a date with the devil’s lettuce. As soon as our plane lands he whips out his phone and starts two thumb texting the local proprietors. I’ve never seen anyone better! But he lacks judgement when it comes to age evaluation. He recently found out that I went to the same high school as former Major League pitcher Kerry Wood. Then he asked me if I played baseball with him. Then he said, “No, never mind, there’s no way you could’ve played with him. Kerry is in his 40’s and you are still in your 30’s.” Heh-heh-heh, keep puffing away Mr. Utility-Man! I get a lot of questions about my real age, my real name and my real race. So I am stating it here and now for the record: I am 29 years old. My name is Stephen Lorque BOD Cooper-Melloncamp, the second. I was adopted but after an extensive family tree research I discovered that I am a full blooded bitch.

TULSA-I saw a sign during my five hour drive advertising an Okie Noodling tournament. In case you didn’t know, Okie Noodling is the sport of catching catfish in shallow streams with your barehands, made popular by rural Oklahomans….of course. Yes, I had to look it up. It sounded fun, at least the standing in a stream part. Especially compared to my week which consisted of: five days convincing enough players to go to Oklahoma in order to make sure we put a good product on the field. Five days of batting practice. Four days in the gym. Four hours accumulating our precious statistics from the week before so that I could hear this….”Hey Lorque, I’m not one of those stats guys or nothing but you messed up my average and it cost me a chance at hitting .700 last weekend.” Alas, it’s a thankless job. NOW HIRING STATISTICIAN. NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY. APPLY INSIDE. We didn’t play particularly well. Undeserving as it may seem, rumors were that I contributed to our losses more than our wins. I always say, playing in the Conference is like being in the Mafia. You never know when you’re going to get whacked. I knew I should have went Okie Noodling. But a few days later, instead of being stabbed in the back of the neck with an ice pick, I was named head coach. Ha! True story! It was a promotion….I think.